Comm-yew-nee-cay-shun?? Ramblings, rants & recollections

I'll start with a warning. This will come across as very anti-women. This is not intentional and if you read right to the end, you'll see its not written that way, but is more of a cautionary and advisory piece of text, hopefully containing some useful info for both men and women.

So where does it all start going wrong?

From my perspective it starts when we're little girls. I don't remember being told much about boys as such, my mother rightly so didn't want me worried from an early age as to what lay ahead, but I do remember the playground at school...and boys being the noisy often mucky and strange-smelling dudes running round generally breaking things, making a mess and causing havoc...but then again, it DID look like fun!

Hmmm, at this stage I didn't really pay too much attention to be honest, as us girlies were clearly too busy playing with nice pretty clean dollies and dreaming of being a wife and a mummy right?

Err..no. Not for me anyway and no doubt countless millions of other women.

So even then way back, the battle lines are drawn in the mud and in the pristine pink frilly bedrooms, that boys = noisy, smelly and dirty, girls = clean, pretty, pink and frilly.

What WAS apparent even way back then was that women are born into a cosy little network of support while men are pretty much left to their own devices and are meant to put up and shut up – I'll go into this in more depth later.

So, we skip forward a few years, a few very awkward and clumsy years of us thinking that boys are rude and ignorant and don't care about anything except rubber dinosaurs and computer games and them thinking we are these pretty little china dolls to be looked at but not touched or spoken to!

Skipping again, not really anything going on worth mentioning in between, we then get to college and university where countless either drunken or again clumsy and fumbled experiences, failed “relationships”, much he said/she said, do nothing but confirm that we really don't get boys and will never understand their complexities and many many layers. Sighs....if only they were as straightforward as us eh?

Except, this is where most women cock up. Come closer.

By the time I reached college, I was lucky enough to have acquired a good male friend, a guy I'd known at school briefly but who I struck up a friendship on the bus to college with. A nice guy, sensitive but with absolutely no clue about women bless him and who found himself getting in with entirely the wrong girls who treated him like crap and basically used him for what they could get out of him.

We spent a great deal of time talking about men and women, relationships and what was going wrong for both of us. He provided a much-needed insight into a blokes workings and I likewise, as well as providing him a shoulder to cry on and some words of comfort and wisdom when necessary, as best I could.

At college as you do, I then found myself acquiring new friends and some were indeed male. Not guys I fancied, but guys who made me laugh, put me at ease and who didn't spend their whole time talking to my chest.

So how did I get these new male friends when it seemed like all my female friends were still bitching “eurrghh boys are like SO annoying!” although I suspect that may be more to do with the colossal amount of unrequited love floating round than actual disgust with boys!

Ok, picture the scene. Pubbing, clubbing and other social occasions where there would invariably be young men attending, were prepared for in the usual ways, primping and preening for hours etc etc and arrived at with the usual anticipation..”is he here?” “is he looking at me?” “who's she??” etc.

The big difference between my friends and I showed itself here. Pay attention, this is the important stuff!

See, the problem was my friends. Lovely as they might have been, (OK that MAY be stretching it a bit far but donning the rose coloured glasses here so let's run with it), they were so focussed on whether “he” was out, was he looking, what did he mean by that – which always prompted urgent and very frequent trips to the loos to discuss and analyse in such great and unbelievable detail that they didn't notice said object of their desires looking increasingly worried and nervous in the corner with his mates, as he now thought a major conspiracy was being planned against him.

(One might be forgiven for assuming that a lot of teenage girls/20 something yr old women just have very weak bladders, that its more widespread than the doctors let on and that bathrooms are so scary they require safety in numbers! By and large, neither are true, although I CAN confirm that in my experience, womens bathrooms are often in a MUCH worse and way more horrifying state than mens!)

Now I noticed this worrying trend and the guys becoming increasingly concerned. Mainly because some of the guys were my friends and were coming to me expressing their grave concerns and wondering why a girl who claims to like them romantically, seems to be planning some kind of undercover campaign against them with frightening and almost military precision.

I did of course try to let the girls know..to no avail. They wouldn't hear my concerns, dismissed it as crap and carried on.

So on and on it goes and any bodged, half-arsed attempts to get together with any more complexity than “fancy goin out then?” were met with frequent and consistent disaster.

So there we were....battlefield established, lines drawn on the dancefloor – boys wondering why the girls wouldn't just TALK to them...you know, actually GO OVER AND TALK TO THEM and the girls trying to over-analyse what he meant EXACTLY when he said “hey”, wondering why he won't approach the snarling, seething gaggle of women (or fun-vampires) to bravely pluck you out of the middle, pick you up and whisk you off into the sunset!!

Why???

Cos he's terrified!!! I'd like to point out here that this is where another glaringly obvious difference between me and my mates showed itself. You see, I was the girl who went over to the guy she fancied, offered to buy him a drink and chatted HIM up. And yeah, this met with mixed reactions from the guys ranging from shock right through to thinking he was the subject of a prank and me having to spend a good 20 minutes convincing him that no really, I DO fancy you and this is NOT a joke, I AM chatting you up!

Needless to say it didn't make me any more popular amongst the girls, but then again I was always the odd one out so no noticeable difference there! Their stupidity never ceased to amaze me though – why was I of all people going home with guys numbers and dates lined up when I was the one approaching the guys yet while they seethed and hissed and huddled in the corner, they all went home alone, number-less, date-less and pissed off. Hmmm! (You know when you can just sense that your effigy is in trouble?).

Suffice to say, I saw this go on through college and university and yes...even beyond that, into the 20 somethings.

Sorry its taken me so long to address this, but I was kind of busy shuffling through my own share of attempts at relationships from college onwards and trust me, even for someone who prides themselves on being an open communicator it wasn't easy. You see, YOU can be pro-communication, all well and good, but if the person you're with isn't...it gets a bit tricky.

Therein lies the problem.

This communication gap, nay chasm, needs some serious plugging and we need to get up, get out and remember that we're naturally sociable creatures when it comes down to it. Be honest ladies, we DO have the upper hand when it comes to talking and sharing stuff, so try to see how things are for the fellas eh? They don't naturally have the luxury of having support through the rough times, a shoulder to lean on and someone to talk to when things are going wrong, they're the ones busy getting on with being strong and keeping things going. It's what's expected of them right?

I disagree. And no, I'm not saying we want to reduce all the guys to Bridget Jones style sobbing into their hot chocolate episodes every night, but surely you see the benefit to all involved of having a guy who feels comfortable enough, confident enough and secure enough to be able to talk about what's bugging him?

He gets some support, feels valued and loved and you both have the knowledge and ability to tackle whatever problems life chucks at you together and effectively and you get a much happier partner, who in turn makes you happier and lo and behold...everyone wins! Happiness for everyone!

So why is communication so difficult?

You will have already worked out that I have a bee in my bonnet about men and women not communicating with each other. OK, not so much as a bee as the whole damn hive! Buzzing round in there, angry, like they'd all just been poked with tiny bee-poking sticks!!

Communication, when it comes down to it is not something we are generally taught. That might sound strange and wrong even but go with me here.

I have a theory and it goes like this.

As children, we are segregated. Now bear in mind I was at junior school in beginning of the 80's so not that long ago really (yep I know what denial is thanks) and even as recent as then we were separated from the boys. Why, I was never sure but we were. I don't mean we were taught separately, but in terms of activities and so on.

When put together to do things, the girls were together and so were the boys, we did not mix. Please understand this was not down to teacher intervention, but more to do with girls and boys staring at each other in horror and choosing to avoid each other like malaria sandwiches. And on the rare occasions we were seated together, lunchtimes or whatever we all simply looked at each other with wide eyes and worry – viewing each other not as potential friends, but more a strange and new alien breed to be wary of.

This is where it starts to go wrong.

I do not ever recall a time in my young life where I was ever given any instruction on how to stop viewing boys as either a) the enemy to be avoided until I was of “marrying age” and could therefore have acquired enough sense not to get knocked up by one or b) just weird and still to be avoided.

So if it was like this for me, was it the same for everyone?

What were you told about the opposite sex? Anything?

Now is this because it's assumed that as human beings we are more than capable of working it all out as we go on or what? And please don't misunderstand here, I'm not saying we aren't capable...I'm simply saying why do we have to be left to our own devices on such an important issue? We're not all deep thinkers, myself included and to be honest, the one thing I never had time for while growing up was sitting contemplating my navel.

And that familiar phrase, we're only human...well yeah! We are. We're clumsy, stupid, bizarre, weird and wonderful, funny, smart, caring, loving and all those things but we don't and never can know everything.

So why is it assumed that we have the time, the energy and the inclination to spend our lives from a very early age sitting working things like this out? Besides how do you without having any training or a person of the opposite sex to work with on it??

See, too many flaws and problems with leaving us to work it out for ourselves.

So here's my thinking. We're left to fend for ourselves as it were, when it comes to dealing with members of the opposite sex...yet our schools fill us with..well stuff we'll possibly never be interested in if we lived to be 980! Sure we may learn that an isosceles triangle has an equal something or other, see it never stuck with me either, but you get the idea – why the hell aren't they instead sitting us down in pairs, a boy and a girl and saying to us here's a puzzle...you two need to work together, without fighting or losing skin, blood or anything else important, and find a way to solve it, on you go”. Why not do this?

Isn't it obvious? Most of us will grow up, and some will even want to be in relationships with someone else.

For those of us interested in the opposite sex, we are at some point expected to or wish to enter into a relationship with someone and behave like well, grown ups. Spend our lives together, face life's challenges, ups and downs together, solve problems together and grow old together. Or something.

And all this with no real training except some failed mock-relationships and some drunken fumblings?? Are you insane???

Would you say to a 10 year old, here's some keys, this is a car – er....go for it! See what you can do! What's the worst that can happen right??

NO! So why send us off out into the big wide world together where we have to mix, really there's little or no avoiding it, and expect us to get together and it all work perfectly like some well rehearsed orchestra when really, we've had no preparation and no rehearsal – just some sketchy and rough brief interactions at best.

We just aren't trained to be able to communicate and work together with members of the opposite sex then we wonder why at 15, 16 these kids are going out and communicating with each other the ONLY way they know how sometimes and that seems to feel good – sex.

It's sad and to be expected really to a point. And only one thing can redress this imbalance – education. And no, I don't mean for one second, hire on yet more teacher's in yet more schools to preach yet more guff about abstaining from sex and that we should all be good little boys and girls and wait til we're married to have sex – bullplop, it doesn't work, we know this now.

I mean REAL education! Get some plucky bastards out there spreading a new way of doing things! We need to be teaching our kids from a very early age that you WILL spend your life with and around members of the opposite sex so here's where you'll learn how to be friends with them, get to know them, learn how to treat them and how to COMMUNICATE with them!

Sounds obvious now doesn't it? But I truly believe that if we start early enough, by the time the kids reach those notoriously difficult teenage years and things become really awkward for them, personally and socially not to mention physically and mentally, they will have a better understanding of not only themselves but the opposite sex which will in turn, take some of the sting out of it all – a lot in my opinion. The opposite sex won't seem half as scary and alien any more and they will find themselves able to communicate with each other about how they feel, what they need or want and what they don't want.

Surely this would put them in a better position to go on and be in healthy relationships? Maybe, just maybe they wouldn't reach 15/16 and feel this sudden rush to hop into bed as raging hormones take hold and the only thing that makes any sense to them is sex! Because, they will know how to talk to each other, solve problems together and treat each other as human beings instead of alien beings who are only compatible when horny.

We need this. We need to open things right up...get the lines of communication wide open and flowing.

It's no use keeping boys and girls apart and begging them, pleading with them not to have sex – which as we all know, is going to happen anyway, and why wouldn't it? It's the only thing they can have in common as they sure don't know how to talk to each other any other way a lot of the time!

Something has to change or the cycle will continue for all eternity or until we blow ourselves up or implode or something.

We have to start working together, males and females to solve problems. And despite all my bitching about women in groups, by and large women know how to handle other women, we learn that from being a child and we're all forced together and likewise for boys – they by and large know how to treat each other though some, as with women will find it more challenging than others.

So you see, boys know how to handle other boys and girls mainly know how to handle other girls – the problem is mixing the two.

I'm 37 now. I have been with my partner for 10 yrs now and being a big believer in open and honest communication I feel we've got pretty good at sorting stuff out openly and quickly.

OK, we are still new kids on the block here, and don't always get it right, but hey least we're trying which is a lot more than some people do.

It always amazed me how they give you instructions for putting up a flatpack bookcase...but relationships?? NO! On you go guys, enjoy, have fun, maybe pop out a couple of kids?? Either way, you're on your own!

Huh??

Then we're surprised and shocked at the alarming numbers of relationships and marriages that fail or are dysfunctional. Really? We had it coming if you ask me.

I'm a big fan of taking things back to basics. Break it down to its simplest form and cut through the rubbish. Stop thinking and analysing and start feeling and doing. Too many people get hung up on what they THINK they should be saying/doing/feeling. You know that little voice in your head that keeps shouting things at you? They're your instincts and you really should learn to make friends with them and trust them. Use them and rely on them. They will rarely steer you wrong. And yeah the mantra “if it feels good do it” is somewhat cheesy and will no doubt send those of you with very orderly, compartmentalised lives running screaming and into a cold sweat right now, but you really do need to stop for a mo and remember that life is about far more than duty, responsibility and your perceived role.

If you weren't meant to use your feelings, acknowledge them or listen to your instincts why have them? I mean, I have no sodding clue what my spleen is for, but I'm sure it does something important enough and that's fine with me. I'm happy with it being there and interacting with my other organs and content for it to do its thing. And while completely shrouded in mystery ( I imagine it wearing a black cape and having a hat and moustache) should it ever raise any issues with me I will be sure to pay attention!

So yeah, I'm a creature of instinct, emotion and feeling. And yes it IS bloody exhausting and I have all the time in the world for people and their problems but sometimes I need to hide myself away for a few days and recover. Duty and responsibility were a massive part of my life as a child and growing up, but mostly, we felt completely at the mercy of whatever cruel gods deemed that we should endure constant pain, stress and a never-ending stream of agonising heartbreak. That shit makes a kid grow up far too quickly.

So I do know all about duty and the roles we play, very much so. But more importantly I know how precious and fragile life is. So I learned to really appreciate it from an early age, way earlier than a lot of my peers which is possibly another reason I couldn't relate to them, I couldn't understand why they were obsessing over stupid unimportant things like dolls and stupid games when there was a world of pain and worry and scary-ass things out there. But I later learned its because they had no idea. It wasn't their fault. To them I was just this weird kid who was quiet and looked bemused (and no doubt worried) a lot. Their games and their dolls WERE important to them, that was their lives...it wasn't important to me, by then I was used to dealing with life alone.

This is why I urge you to stop, take time out for YOU. If you don't know what makes you happy, then take some time to find out before its too late. And by too late I mean before you die. I know you can't very well just up and ditch all the duties and responsibilities in your life nor would I ever recommend it unless you have one helluva back up plan, but don't hide behind them either. There will always be demands on you, your time, your brain, your skills....but your feelings, thoughts, emotions, the things that make you feel relaxed, feel good and content however are entirely your own and at your command. Don't let the demands and duties be the things that stop you talking, feeling, going with your guts and jeez, doing what feels good!

When you start listening to and communicating with yourself, you'll be much better equipped to communicate with and listen to others. Fact.

But in my humble opinion, my anti-feminist stuff aside, I feel very strongly that the balance of power has shifted too far these days and men seem to be paying the price. I won't get into that in too much detail here, suffice to say that I think communication, or lack thereof is a bigger problem than most of us realise.

After so many years of hearing women bitch about men, complain about bfs, nag husbands and belittle them in front of their friends and much much worse, it saddens me to see that the vast majority of women despite their apparent emotional, touchy-feely side, often have no clue how to treat a man or talk to him.

Again, something I feel should be taken right back to basics. So many women still perpetuate this stupid antiquated myth that men should put up and shut up. He should bring the money in, provide for you and any sprogs YOU decide to pop out and get on with it right?

Wrong. It would shock these women to hear that men have feelings and needs too. Then again, they probably wouldn't care. I'm sorry about that.

If I've heard a woman say stuff like this once I've heard it a thousand times: “nothing wrong with him”, “he thinks HE'S got it tough, as if!”, “he's whinging again, he's not getting any from me, ha that'll sort him out!”

These comments make me ashamed to be a woman. Not indicative of all women, thankfully but worryingly, too many ARE like this.

And I can't abide the unfairness that ensues if a man has an affair. Yes, lying is wrong and in an ideal world no one would have to do it, but this is not an ideal world. Far from it. And men have been painted into corners, ones they can't always get out of. So they may find themselves married to a woman who belittles him, makes him feel like shit, less of a man and inadequate as a husband or father, even as a lover – yet he is fully expected to comply, be the dutiful husband, father and breadwinner and “get on with it”.

Who honestly thinks that fair? Seriously? Newsflash ladies: a man has needs too you know. Yes, even YOUR husband!

Please don't come crying to me when your fella succumbs to the warmth, love and affection offered by another woman, please don't bleat on about how he's a complete bastard and she's clearly a whore and a temptress....odds on neither is true. No as I said I don't condone lying, but what's he to do if he finds himself stuck in a relationship where he's treated as nothing more than a cash dispenser and a convenience with no regard for his feelings, his wants or his needs?

Everyone needs love. Everyone needs to feel wanted, special and cared for so please don't come whinging to me if he has an affair – in fact, ask yourself one question before you go crying to anyone. WHY did he have an affair?

Look at yourself, your relationship and YOUR treatment of him – have you treated him as a partner? Fairly and with respect, decency and love?

Did you make him feel wanted, loved or special, appreciated or desired? Or were you too busy complaining about the things he DIDN'T do, the things he WASN'T, and treating him more like a live in slave? Someone to take care of those DIY jobs eh!

I'm not saying there aren't some jerks out there who will forever be incapable of keeping it in their pants, but sometimes, sometimes you have to look a bit closer and at BOTH people involved. It takes two to make a relationship but only one to break it.

And just in the same way that you want your bloke to make you feel loved, like you're the most special, most amazing person in the world, to feel safe, to know he's there for you as a lover, a partner, a friend and more, you know, he needs to feel all those things too.

Talk to him. Sit him down and ask him about HIS dreams, HIS day, HIS ambitions, find out what makes him tick. They're not so different underneath it all and they have the same worries, stresses and problems we do, the only thing is, they mostly don't feel they can or should talk about theirs.

Women are born into support networks and are surrounded by them growing up, men aren't. There are groups, organisations, safe houses for women....not for men. Men are under more pressure to be successful at work, good providers and perfect partners now than ever before, don't you think its time we not only acknowledged them for this, but tried to help them?

It's time to wake up ladies. No more does “one rule for me and one rule for him” wash. You cannot use and abuse and expect him to take it, not only take it but be happy about it. Nor can you expect him to want to be with you or want to stay with you. Bottom line, if you don't look after your man, there are plenty of women out there who will! And some of these women are nice, not whorish temptresses at all!

And before everyone jumps down my throat about the horrible mean men out there, yep I know all about them too, but this is not about them, this is about the nice guys, the decent guys, the ones you see everyday just getting on with things. The ones at work that smile and say “everything's fine thanks”.

Its true when they say you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and we could all do with being a bit less snap-judgemental. We take things at face value, we believe the guys who say they're “fine” and we even mistake that for not giving a damn, but take a second to consider this:

men AREN'T raised to tell you how they're feeling every second of the day, they don't find it easy to sit down with a cuppa and offload all their thoughts and feelings the way your girlfriends do and they don't always know how to handle or explain their feelings. They can't read your mind, they don't know what you're thinking or feeling and they don't understand why when you say nothing's wrong, you then persecute them.

If you love him, then just love him and enjoy him. Be with him and show him that you're glad and lucky to have him.

Why not try just talking to him? He will most likely surprise you and in return, you'll see exactly how he feels...and he'll appreciate you for being an understanding, caring, warm, loving and amazing partner all the more. Trust me, this stuff really does work.

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