Comm-yew-nee-cay-shun?? Ramblings, rants & recollections

I'll start with a warning. This will come across as very anti-women. This is not intentional and if you read right to the end, you'll see its not written that way, but is more of a cautionary and advisory piece of text, hopefully containing some useful info for both men and women.

So where does it all start going wrong?

From my perspective it starts when we're little girls. I don't remember being told much about boys as such, my mother rightly so didn't want me worried from an early age as to what lay ahead, but I do remember the playground at school...and boys being the noisy often mucky and strange-smelling dudes running round generally breaking things, making a mess and causing havoc...but then again, it DID look like fun!

Hmmm, at this stage I didn't really pay too much attention to be honest, as us girlies were clearly too busy playing with nice pretty clean dollies and dreaming of being a wife and a mummy right?

Err..no. Not for me anyway and no doubt countless millions of other women.

So even then way back, the battle lines are drawn in the mud and in the pristine pink frilly bedrooms, that boys = noisy, smelly and dirty, girls = clean, pretty, pink and frilly.

What WAS apparent even way back then was that women are born into a cosy little network of support while men are pretty much left to their own devices and are meant to put up and shut up – I'll go into this in more depth later.

So, we skip forward a few years, a few very awkward and clumsy years of us thinking that boys are rude and ignorant and don't care about anything except rubber dinosaurs and computer games and them thinking we are these pretty little china dolls to be looked at but not touched or spoken to!

Skipping again, not really anything going on worth mentioning in between, we then get to college and university where countless either drunken or again clumsy and fumbled experiences, failed “relationships”, much he said/she said, do nothing but confirm that we really don't get boys and will never understand their complexities and many many layers. Sighs....if only they were as straightforward as us eh?

Except, this is where most women cock up. Come closer.

By the time I reached college, I was lucky enough to have acquired a good male friend, a guy I'd known at school briefly but who I struck up a friendship on the bus to college with. A nice guy, sensitive but with absolutely no clue about women bless him and who found himself getting in with entirely the wrong girls who treated him like crap and basically used him for what they could get out of him.

We spent a great deal of time talking about men and women, relationships and what was going wrong for both of us. He provided a much-needed insight into a blokes workings and I likewise, as well as providing him a shoulder to cry on and some words of comfort and wisdom when necessary, as best I could.

At college as you do, I then found myself acquiring new friends and some were indeed male. Not guys I fancied, but guys who made me laugh, put me at ease and who didn't spend their whole time talking to my chest.

So how did I get these new male friends when it seemed like all my female friends were still bitching “eurrghh boys are like SO annoying!” although I suspect that may be more to do with the colossal amount of unrequited love floating round than actual disgust with boys!

Ok, picture the scene. Pubbing, clubbing and other social occasions where there would invariably be young men attending, were prepared for in the usual ways, primping and preening for hours etc etc and arrived at with the usual anticipation..”is he here?” “is he looking at me?” “who's she??” etc.

The big difference between my friends and I showed itself here. Pay attention, this is the important stuff!

See, the problem was my friends. Lovely as they might have been, (OK that MAY be stretching it a bit far but donning the rose coloured glasses here so let's run with it), they were so focussed on whether “he” was out, was he looking, what did he mean by that – which always prompted urgent and very frequent trips to the loos to discuss and analyse in such great and unbelievable detail that they didn't notice said object of their desires looking increasingly worried and nervous in the corner with his mates, as he now thought a major conspiracy was being planned against him.

(One might be forgiven for assuming that a lot of teenage girls/20 something yr old women just have very weak bladders, that its more widespread than the doctors let on and that bathrooms are so scary they require safety in numbers! By and large, neither are true, although I CAN confirm that in my experience, womens bathrooms are often in a MUCH worse and way more horrifying state than mens!)

Now I noticed this worrying trend and the guys becoming increasingly concerned. Mainly because some of the guys were my friends and were coming to me expressing their grave concerns and wondering why a girl who claims to like them romantically, seems to be planning some kind of undercover campaign against them with frightening and almost military precision.

I did of course try to let the girls know..to no avail. They wouldn't hear my concerns, dismissed it as crap and carried on.

So on and on it goes and any bodged, half-arsed attempts to get together with any more complexity than “fancy goin out then?” were met with frequent and consistent disaster.

So there we were....battlefield established, lines drawn on the dancefloor – boys wondering why the girls wouldn't just TALK to them...you know, actually GO OVER AND TALK TO THEM and the girls trying to over-analyse what he meant EXACTLY when he said “hey”, wondering why he won't approach the snarling, seething gaggle of women (or fun-vampires) to bravely pluck you out of the middle, pick you up and whisk you off into the sunset!!

Why???

Cos he's terrified!!! I'd like to point out here that this is where another glaringly obvious difference between me and my mates showed itself. You see, I was the girl who went over to the guy she fancied, offered to buy him a drink and chatted HIM up. And yeah, this met with mixed reactions from the guys ranging from shock right through to thinking he was the subject of a prank and me having to spend a good 20 minutes convincing him that no really, I DO fancy you and this is NOT a joke, I AM chatting you up!

Needless to say it didn't make me any more popular amongst the girls, but then again I was always the odd one out so no noticeable difference there! Their stupidity never ceased to amaze me though – why was I of all people going home with guys numbers and dates lined up when I was the one approaching the guys yet while they seethed and hissed and huddled in the corner, they all went home alone, number-less, date-less and pissed off. Hmmm! (You know when you can just sense that your effigy is in trouble?).

Suffice to say, I saw this go on through college and university and yes...even beyond that, into the 20 somethings.

Sorry its taken me so long to address this, but I was kind of busy shuffling through my own share of attempts at relationships from college onwards and trust me, even for someone who prides themselves on being an open communicator it wasn't easy. You see, YOU can be pro-communication, all well and good, but if the person you're with isn't...it gets a bit tricky.

Therein lies the problem.

This communication gap, nay chasm, needs some serious plugging and we need to get up, get out and remember that we're naturally sociable creatures when it comes down to it. Be honest ladies, we DO have the upper hand when it comes to talking and sharing stuff, so try to see how things are for the fellas eh? They don't naturally have the luxury of having support through the rough times, a shoulder to lean on and someone to talk to when things are going wrong, they're the ones busy getting on with being strong and keeping things going. It's what's expected of them right?

I disagree. And no, I'm not saying we want to reduce all the guys to Bridget Jones style sobbing into their hot chocolate episodes every night, but surely you see the benefit to all involved of having a guy who feels comfortable enough, confident enough and secure enough to be able to talk about what's bugging him?

He gets some support, feels valued and loved and you both have the knowledge and ability to tackle whatever problems life chucks at you together and effectively and you get a much happier partner, who in turn makes you happier and lo and behold...everyone wins! Happiness for everyone!

So why is communication so difficult?

You will have already worked out that I have a bee in my bonnet about men and women not communicating with each other. OK, not so much as a bee as the whole damn hive! Buzzing round in there, angry, like they'd all just been poked with tiny bee-poking sticks!!

Communication, when it comes down to it is not something we are generally taught. That might sound strange and wrong even but go with me here.

I have a theory and it goes like this.

As children, we are segregated. Now bear in mind I was at junior school in beginning of the 80's so not that long ago really (yep I know what denial is thanks) and even as recent as then we were separated from the boys. Why, I was never sure but we were. I don't mean we were taught separately, but in terms of activities and so on.

When put together to do things, the girls were together and so were the boys, we did not mix. Please understand this was not down to teacher intervention, but more to do with girls and boys staring at each other in horror and choosing to avoid each other like malaria sandwiches. And on the rare occasions we were seated together, lunchtimes or whatever we all simply looked at each other with wide eyes and worry – viewing each other not as potential friends, but more a strange and new alien breed to be wary of.

This is where it starts to go wrong.

I do not ever recall a time in my young life where I was ever given any instruction on how to stop viewing boys as either a) the enemy to be avoided until I was of “marrying age” and could therefore have acquired enough sense not to get knocked up by one or b) just weird and still to be avoided.

So if it was like this for me, was it the same for everyone?

What were you told about the opposite sex? Anything?

Now is this because it's assumed that as human beings we are more than capable of working it all out as we go on or what? And please don't misunderstand here, I'm not saying we aren't capable...I'm simply saying why do we have to be left to our own devices on such an important issue? We're not all deep thinkers, myself included and to be honest, the one thing I never had time for while growing up was sitting contemplating my navel.

And that familiar phrase, we're only human...well yeah! We are. We're clumsy, stupid, bizarre, weird and wonderful, funny, smart, caring, loving and all those things but we don't and never can know everything.

So why is it assumed that we have the time, the energy and the inclination to spend our lives from a very early age sitting working things like this out? Besides how do you without having any training or a person of the opposite sex to work with on it??

See, too many flaws and problems with leaving us to work it out for ourselves.

So here's my thinking. We're left to fend for ourselves as it were, when it comes to dealing with members of the opposite sex...yet our schools fill us with..well stuff we'll possibly never be interested in if we lived to be 980! Sure we may learn that an isosceles triangle has an equal something or other, see it never stuck with me either, but you get the idea – why the hell aren't they instead sitting us down in pairs, a boy and a girl and saying to us here's a puzzle...you two need to work together, without fighting or losing skin, blood or anything else important, and find a way to solve it, on you go”. Why not do this?

Isn't it obvious? Most of us will grow up, and some will even want to be in relationships with someone else.

For those of us interested in the opposite sex, we are at some point expected to or wish to enter into a relationship with someone and behave like well, grown ups. Spend our lives together, face life's challenges, ups and downs together, solve problems together and grow old together. Or something.

And all this with no real training except some failed mock-relationships and some drunken fumblings?? Are you insane???

Would you say to a 10 year old, here's some keys, this is a car – er....go for it! See what you can do! What's the worst that can happen right??

NO! So why send us off out into the big wide world together where we have to mix, really there's little or no avoiding it, and expect us to get together and it all work perfectly like some well rehearsed orchestra when really, we've had no preparation and no rehearsal – just some sketchy and rough brief interactions at best.

We just aren't trained to be able to communicate and work together with members of the opposite sex then we wonder why at 15, 16 these kids are going out and communicating with each other the ONLY way they know how sometimes and that seems to feel good – sex.

It's sad and to be expected really to a point. And only one thing can redress this imbalance – education. And no, I don't mean for one second, hire on yet more teacher's in yet more schools to preach yet more guff about abstaining from sex and that we should all be good little boys and girls and wait til we're married to have sex – bullplop, it doesn't work, we know this now.

I mean REAL education! Get some plucky bastards out there spreading a new way of doing things! We need to be teaching our kids from a very early age that you WILL spend your life with and around members of the opposite sex so here's where you'll learn how to be friends with them, get to know them, learn how to treat them and how to COMMUNICATE with them!

Sounds obvious now doesn't it? But I truly believe that if we start early enough, by the time the kids reach those notoriously difficult teenage years and things become really awkward for them, personally and socially not to mention physically and mentally, they will have a better understanding of not only themselves but the opposite sex which will in turn, take some of the sting out of it all – a lot in my opinion. The opposite sex won't seem half as scary and alien any more and they will find themselves able to communicate with each other about how they feel, what they need or want and what they don't want.

Surely this would put them in a better position to go on and be in healthy relationships? Maybe, just maybe they wouldn't reach 15/16 and feel this sudden rush to hop into bed as raging hormones take hold and the only thing that makes any sense to them is sex! Because, they will know how to talk to each other, solve problems together and treat each other as human beings instead of alien beings who are only compatible when horny.

We need this. We need to open things right up...get the lines of communication wide open and flowing.

It's no use keeping boys and girls apart and begging them, pleading with them not to have sex – which as we all know, is going to happen anyway, and why wouldn't it? It's the only thing they can have in common as they sure don't know how to talk to each other any other way a lot of the time!

Something has to change or the cycle will continue for all eternity or until we blow ourselves up or implode or something.

We have to start working together, males and females to solve problems. And despite all my bitching about women in groups, by and large women know how to handle other women, we learn that from being a child and we're all forced together and likewise for boys – they by and large know how to treat each other though some, as with women will find it more challenging than others.

So you see, boys know how to handle other boys and girls mainly know how to handle other girls – the problem is mixing the two.

I'm 37 now. I have been with my partner for 10 yrs now and being a big believer in open and honest communication I feel we've got pretty good at sorting stuff out openly and quickly.

OK, we are still new kids on the block here, and don't always get it right, but hey least we're trying which is a lot more than some people do.

It always amazed me how they give you instructions for putting up a flatpack bookcase...but relationships?? NO! On you go guys, enjoy, have fun, maybe pop out a couple of kids?? Either way, you're on your own!

Huh??

Then we're surprised and shocked at the alarming numbers of relationships and marriages that fail or are dysfunctional. Really? We had it coming if you ask me.

I'm a big fan of taking things back to basics. Break it down to its simplest form and cut through the rubbish. Stop thinking and analysing and start feeling and doing. Too many people get hung up on what they THINK they should be saying/doing/feeling. You know that little voice in your head that keeps shouting things at you? They're your instincts and you really should learn to make friends with them and trust them. Use them and rely on them. They will rarely steer you wrong. And yeah the mantra “if it feels good do it” is somewhat cheesy and will no doubt send those of you with very orderly, compartmentalised lives running screaming and into a cold sweat right now, but you really do need to stop for a mo and remember that life is about far more than duty, responsibility and your perceived role.

If you weren't meant to use your feelings, acknowledge them or listen to your instincts why have them? I mean, I have no sodding clue what my spleen is for, but I'm sure it does something important enough and that's fine with me. I'm happy with it being there and interacting with my other organs and content for it to do its thing. And while completely shrouded in mystery ( I imagine it wearing a black cape and having a hat and moustache) should it ever raise any issues with me I will be sure to pay attention!

So yeah, I'm a creature of instinct, emotion and feeling. And yes it IS bloody exhausting and I have all the time in the world for people and their problems but sometimes I need to hide myself away for a few days and recover. Duty and responsibility were a massive part of my life as a child and growing up, but mostly, we felt completely at the mercy of whatever cruel gods deemed that we should endure constant pain, stress and a never-ending stream of agonising heartbreak. That shit makes a kid grow up far too quickly.

So I do know all about duty and the roles we play, very much so. But more importantly I know how precious and fragile life is. So I learned to really appreciate it from an early age, way earlier than a lot of my peers which is possibly another reason I couldn't relate to them, I couldn't understand why they were obsessing over stupid unimportant things like dolls and stupid games when there was a world of pain and worry and scary-ass things out there. But I later learned its because they had no idea. It wasn't their fault. To them I was just this weird kid who was quiet and looked bemused (and no doubt worried) a lot. Their games and their dolls WERE important to them, that was their lives...it wasn't important to me, by then I was used to dealing with life alone.

This is why I urge you to stop, take time out for YOU. If you don't know what makes you happy, then take some time to find out before its too late. And by too late I mean before you die. I know you can't very well just up and ditch all the duties and responsibilities in your life nor would I ever recommend it unless you have one helluva back up plan, but don't hide behind them either. There will always be demands on you, your time, your brain, your skills....but your feelings, thoughts, emotions, the things that make you feel relaxed, feel good and content however are entirely your own and at your command. Don't let the demands and duties be the things that stop you talking, feeling, going with your guts and jeez, doing what feels good!

When you start listening to and communicating with yourself, you'll be much better equipped to communicate with and listen to others. Fact.

But in my humble opinion, my anti-feminist stuff aside, I feel very strongly that the balance of power has shifted too far these days and men seem to be paying the price. I won't get into that in too much detail here, suffice to say that I think communication, or lack thereof is a bigger problem than most of us realise.

After so many years of hearing women bitch about men, complain about bfs, nag husbands and belittle them in front of their friends and much much worse, it saddens me to see that the vast majority of women despite their apparent emotional, touchy-feely side, often have no clue how to treat a man or talk to him.

Again, something I feel should be taken right back to basics. So many women still perpetuate this stupid antiquated myth that men should put up and shut up. He should bring the money in, provide for you and any sprogs YOU decide to pop out and get on with it right?

Wrong. It would shock these women to hear that men have feelings and needs too. Then again, they probably wouldn't care. I'm sorry about that.

If I've heard a woman say stuff like this once I've heard it a thousand times: “nothing wrong with him”, “he thinks HE'S got it tough, as if!”, “he's whinging again, he's not getting any from me, ha that'll sort him out!”

These comments make me ashamed to be a woman. Not indicative of all women, thankfully but worryingly, too many ARE like this.

And I can't abide the unfairness that ensues if a man has an affair. Yes, lying is wrong and in an ideal world no one would have to do it, but this is not an ideal world. Far from it. And men have been painted into corners, ones they can't always get out of. So they may find themselves married to a woman who belittles him, makes him feel like shit, less of a man and inadequate as a husband or father, even as a lover – yet he is fully expected to comply, be the dutiful husband, father and breadwinner and “get on with it”.

Who honestly thinks that fair? Seriously? Newsflash ladies: a man has needs too you know. Yes, even YOUR husband!

Please don't come crying to me when your fella succumbs to the warmth, love and affection offered by another woman, please don't bleat on about how he's a complete bastard and she's clearly a whore and a temptress....odds on neither is true. No as I said I don't condone lying, but what's he to do if he finds himself stuck in a relationship where he's treated as nothing more than a cash dispenser and a convenience with no regard for his feelings, his wants or his needs?

Everyone needs love. Everyone needs to feel wanted, special and cared for so please don't come whinging to me if he has an affair – in fact, ask yourself one question before you go crying to anyone. WHY did he have an affair?

Look at yourself, your relationship and YOUR treatment of him – have you treated him as a partner? Fairly and with respect, decency and love?

Did you make him feel wanted, loved or special, appreciated or desired? Or were you too busy complaining about the things he DIDN'T do, the things he WASN'T, and treating him more like a live in slave? Someone to take care of those DIY jobs eh!

I'm not saying there aren't some jerks out there who will forever be incapable of keeping it in their pants, but sometimes, sometimes you have to look a bit closer and at BOTH people involved. It takes two to make a relationship but only one to break it.

And just in the same way that you want your bloke to make you feel loved, like you're the most special, most amazing person in the world, to feel safe, to know he's there for you as a lover, a partner, a friend and more, you know, he needs to feel all those things too.

Talk to him. Sit him down and ask him about HIS dreams, HIS day, HIS ambitions, find out what makes him tick. They're not so different underneath it all and they have the same worries, stresses and problems we do, the only thing is, they mostly don't feel they can or should talk about theirs.

Women are born into support networks and are surrounded by them growing up, men aren't. There are groups, organisations, safe houses for women....not for men. Men are under more pressure to be successful at work, good providers and perfect partners now than ever before, don't you think its time we not only acknowledged them for this, but tried to help them?

It's time to wake up ladies. No more does “one rule for me and one rule for him” wash. You cannot use and abuse and expect him to take it, not only take it but be happy about it. Nor can you expect him to want to be with you or want to stay with you. Bottom line, if you don't look after your man, there are plenty of women out there who will! And some of these women are nice, not whorish temptresses at all!

And before everyone jumps down my throat about the horrible mean men out there, yep I know all about them too, but this is not about them, this is about the nice guys, the decent guys, the ones you see everyday just getting on with things. The ones at work that smile and say “everything's fine thanks”.

Its true when they say you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and we could all do with being a bit less snap-judgemental. We take things at face value, we believe the guys who say they're “fine” and we even mistake that for not giving a damn, but take a second to consider this:

men AREN'T raised to tell you how they're feeling every second of the day, they don't find it easy to sit down with a cuppa and offload all their thoughts and feelings the way your girlfriends do and they don't always know how to handle or explain their feelings. They can't read your mind, they don't know what you're thinking or feeling and they don't understand why when you say nothing's wrong, you then persecute them.

If you love him, then just love him and enjoy him. Be with him and show him that you're glad and lucky to have him.

Why not try just talking to him? He will most likely surprise you and in return, you'll see exactly how he feels...and he'll appreciate you for being an understanding, caring, warm, loving and amazing partner all the more. Trust me, this stuff really does work.

***

A friend in need??

Now I want to talk about a subject I personally feel very passionately about and this is where I really know my subject well.

Again, from an early age we're taught that friends and family are vital, the very lifeblood that gets us through the tough times and helps us face life's most trying times, after all, as long as you have family and friends, well, nothing else you need is there?

Bullshit!!

Sorry to be so blunt but really, come on, let's face the truth here shall we? We're all grown ups and time to stop beating around this bush.

My experience of friends has not been a pleasant one overall. I remember with fondness, a lovely girl called Mandy at my infants and junior school who I was inseparable from...that was until we left the area and I was dragged away, never to see her again.

I cried, a lot. Didn't do any good but boy did I cry.

Moving a kid to a new junior school in the penultimate year is not advisable to any parents reading this! Just don't do it!

I was forced into a new school where I knew no-one, and thrust into already pre-assembled cliques of girls who quite frankly I would rather even now walk over broken glass barefoot than be in the same room with. Yes, that might sound petty as no doubt they have all changed a lot now, some for the worse apparently, but regardless of what anyone says you don't forget the bitches who bullied you and made you feel left out, isolated, a freak and that you didn't belong with them or anyone else – EVER!!

The hell didn't end when we left either...as they all moved over effortlessly into the comprehensive school together, with me lagging behind as usual.

Now I had an unusual home life to say the least. My mother god rest her soul, was ill virtually my whole life and suffered terribly, and my father and sister quite frankly, don't deserve any mention in this book or anywhere else as they spent best part of 30 years verbally, physically and mentally abusing me, but we will go into that in another chapter.

Suffice to say, that I was never the most confident child. I was very drawn, most of the time, traumatised by what was going on at home and unable to make head nor tail of it all to be honest.

I am only guessing here, but I can only assume that what these bitches saw at school was someone who thought she was too good to talk to them, or in some twisted way that I was stuck up! Stupid, ignorant bitches! Not one of them ever took the time to ask me, god no! Instead, much easier to judge me, take one look at me and label me there and then.

Five long and painful years this continued.

They broke my heart, broke my belongings and damn near broke my spirit, but thankfully I was and will always be a much stronger person and a much better soul than any of those bitches were.

The five years came to end, not a second too soon for me and I was finally free. My mother bless her, as always supported me no matter what, and backed my choice to go to college. My father, as always, wanted me to remain in a position of weakness, to stay down at heel and stay on at the very school that destroyed what precious little confidence and sunny disposition I had.

My father was and will always be an arsehole.

So off I went to college, venturing out into the big wide world with my mum backing me all the way and off to do my very very useful....Business course. Hmm, yeah well anyway, good experience! And I also met the man who would inspire me to go on to be my own boss and encouraged me to think for myself, so that was actually a fortuitous avenue for me as it turned out. Incidentally, the lecturer who inspired me so and basically made the whole 2 years worthwhile is now also one of my closest friends!

So, college was great pretty much. No sign of anyone from school and tons of new peeps!

And before the first day was over, I'd met a new little friend! :) All good, and despite me having been previously very untrusting of women, I decided that a new chapter should also mean renewed faith in my fellow woman!

So A and I grew closer, became inseparable a proper little duo before long. We discovered pubs and clubs together, cried over boys together, spent all night wondering why they hadn't called together and even covered for each other now and then! ;)

All good you'd think right? Wrong! Before the college course had ended, I noticed cracks were appearing which worried me slightly.

A surge in little snide comments like “don't know why you're bothering, once they see me the lads won't even look at you!” and an increasing obvious resentment of my getting on with lads was proving the fly in our ointment.

Her standing in the corner sneering at me and all but hissing at me with teeth showing while I mucked around with the guys and generally made an arse of myself with them was a definite and big hint that all was not well in friendship land.

I however thanks to my new found freedom and enthusiasm for meeting new people including boys, was having a great time! The guys loved the fact that I wasn't afraid to chat to them, have a laugh with them and even swear with them! The girls I hung around with however, didn't love it.

Oh boy, here it comes again...that growing feeling that I'm being talked about, bitched about and generally being cast out of the “group” was once again upon me.

But, while all this griping and obvious backstabbing was going on, of course they were as nice as ninepence to my face – grrrr. Why couldn't they just come out and say it, I would much rather have had that, we could have talked it out and got the hell on with things, like I did with the lads, but no. It was all whispers, clamming up when I walked into the loos and quite frankly I could not be arsed with it at all. So I started using the guys loos, and hanging out with the guys when in the pubs and clubs. Much more fun, I scored loads hehe and quite honestly, such a refreshing change to just be out and enjoying myself, dancing having a laugh, the odd drinking contest with the lads, which I invariably always lost of course and rightly so, but hell, it was such a good time.

While my so-called friends hung around in dark corners, vampires of fun, sucking all that was good and fun out of a night out, draining it of the last drops of enjoyment and throwing me looks that would kill.

And yeah, sometimes it got to me that I didn't feel secure or like I belonged anywhere, but hell, I had never belonged anywhere anyway, so why should now bother me? So I just got on with it instead, had a laugh, danced my ass off, made some good friends in the lads and certainly always had them there to watch my back which is no bad thing in clubs.

So as they years went by, I talked to the lads about boyfriends and also talked to the girls about boyfriends. And there was a huge difference.

The guys bless em, they wanted to know the mechanics, what do you do, what does that mean, what did she mean by that, does this lass like me or what? But mostly, it came down to a few basic and oh-so-recurring themes.

1. what the fuck does she mean and why can't she just say what she means??
2. so er...do you do (insert random sex act) with your boyfriend?
3. If she likes me, why's she ignoring me??

Bless their hearts, I did always feel soo sorry for them! Stupid thing was, I could offer them advice that only went so far at the time, as I was also trying to work out why these girls were behaving so ridiculously. Didn't have the heart to say, look guys I don't have a god-damn clue what's going on so you don't stand a chance!

The girls on the other hand, were sitting there unbearably erratically and dangerously veering between, why hasn't he called me, to if we have children together I'm gonna call them Spit and Spot! Sheesh!! I was terrified, god knows what the lads felt!

Have to interrupt your reading before we move on with a by-the-way here. In case you're wondering how things turned out with me and my little friend from college...she ended up sleeping with my “boyfriend” resulting in me slapping her in the pub where I discovered them kissing on Christmas Eve, and pouring a pint of blackcurrant all over him and his crisp new shirt and white jeans!

As it turns out, he was a complete wanker anyway and me getting away from him meant I got with the lovely boyfriend I had after that, so thanks girl you did me a huge favour!

So as we all stumbled on through college and university, the bitchiness increasing and become even more sly and indirect, I was becoming increasingly aware that you know what, my male friends are way more fun and straight with me than any of these so-called friends and I much preferred the company of the guys.

So, the signs weren't good for me and female friends really were they?

The thing with A and I limped on til the end of uni and unfortunately fate stepped in at this point as my leaving uni also coincided with my mum dying.

And what of my “friends”?? Nowhere to be seen! I was hanging around with a girl casually and still had my close male friend from college, but despite all their words of comfort and promises to be there for me, when it came down to it, the real white knuckle bit, the moment when I found myself at a mere 20 years old, standing in a chapel 2 foot away from my mother's coffin and thinking, she can't possibly be in there....the 2 now painfully glaringly obvious empty seats next to me in the front pew, where my friends should have been, became an icon that would be forever etched in my memory.....friends, when it really comes down to it and you're standing in the line of fire with a ciggy in your mouth and the blindfold on, would be nowhere to be found.

That was the turning point for me. The image of that empty pew next to me, and the pathetic cries afterwards of “we just couldn't go through with it, you understand don't you?”

Well, honestly? No, I don't. I needed you, just to be present, nothing more, maybe just hold my hand, put an arm around me so that in that very moment in time I didn't feel completely and utterly abandoned in the universe....as the song says, and the film for that matter...Lost in Space...that's how I felt. Free-falling and no-one there to reach out and grab me back in.

And all it would have taken was your hand to hold, or your arm around my shoulder...but you “couldn't handle it”???

Well then, guess that told me everything I needed to know about friends – I would have done that for them and some, no matter how uncomfortable it made me, or how tough it was, because that's what I thought friends did.

What they failed to grasp was that at a time like that, it wasn't about them and their discomfort, it was about being there for a friend.

They both failed.

Funnily enough, that was also the time that I made a solemn vow to myself that if I happened across anyone on my travels that was alone and in need of a hand to hold or an arm round the shoulder, I would try and be that for them at least.

And granted, it hasn't always worked out so poetically and all have not lived happily ever after sadly, but you know what, I still try my very best where I can.

And that's all I ever wanted from a friend. Too much??

Needless to say, once the dust settled and life has resumed some kind of normality for everyone not involved with the death of my mum, my fair-weather friends disappeared, their job clearly done and dusted in their minds. Thanks guys, it's been....well, and gone. Let's just leave it at that eh?

And believe me, there were many many friends like that along the way, and still are. Stupid thing is, I was always told by my lovely father (and yup, that IS sarcasm there!), that the problem was with me...with well everything! But especially my inability to hang onto friends. Hmmm, interesting. Here was a man who treated me like shit from the second I was born because he had wanted a son instead of me and also because I bore a striking resemblance to my mum and her family – the only people who could kick his sorry ass into shape every time with little or no effort and the people who were never fooled by his bullshit or his unbelievable talent for blowing money.

It's taken me til now to work that one out...he was scared. Nervous and very scared. But when you're a small child and the man you're told is your father who loves you, physically pushes you away with a look of disgust and causes you to actually fall over, you start to wonder.

Anyway, I have wandered into the undergrowth there, back on track. So yes, I thought the problem was me, and he was always telling me I was intolerant of people and their “quirks” - QUIRKS??? What the fuck??? So hang on, a “quirk” is when you treat someone like crap?? OK, really confused now.

But I believed it because he told me it sooo many times and I mean over 30 years. And of course, my darling sister being a carbon copy of him also regurgitated the same shit parrot fashion, bless her ignorant and unbearably thick soul, she was and is a complete moron, but again persuasive when you're having it drummed into you.

So I thoroughly believed that I was just a waste of space and incredibly intolerant of people and would never find a friend as they just wouldn't put up with me.

Funny though as now, I see it completely differently. Yes, I AM intolerant of people treating me like crap and you know what? That's a GOOD THING!!

Basic stuff, I know, but took me 30 years to suss out that little nugget!

So, yes I do still have “friends” hanging around me now and bar the one person who I previously mentioned – my lecturer from college, the man who inspired me and encouraged me not to follow the same path as everyone else and to go after what I wanted, who is and shall remain forever a very very dear and treasured friend, and of course my partners (not a typo), I don't consider myself knee deep in friends. But then again, having those guys in my life, (and notice the pattern anyone..all males! Ha!) I feel I have all the friends I really need.

I also have some people loitering around right now...which to be honest is becoming more like a social experiment everyday.

Interesting to see what happens, but as once again I am finding out, they are not who they first appeared to be sadly. The cracks are showing and the bitchy comments creeping in again. So, here we go again.

So once again with a heavy heart, I make the mental preparations to wave farewell to yet more pretendy friendships. I can't say it bothers me now though, does that sound callous? Not intended to, I have just been down this shitty road soo many times now I am well rehearsed at this.

My conclusion?

If you're very very lucky, you'll meet someone like my college lecturer, who will have such a profound impact on your life that you just have to have them as a friend.

So good luck, it is indeed a jungle out there! Be careful who you give your time and attention to, they won't always return the favour, but don't close yourself off to any chances either. You really never can tell what impact a stranger is going to have on your life, believe me.

Rants, Raves and Random Rambings

So I've decided to give this blog thing a punt. Still not sure about it, I mean, to me it seems a tad self-indulgent and a bit me me me kinda thing..seriously who wants to read your random thoughts, the flotsam and jetsam that drift through your head on a daily basis anyway??

Still, here we are and here I find myself tapping away in pretty much the same way I talk - don't think about it, just open my gob, or start typing in this case and let it all fall out. You see I have this strict no-thinking policy. Not so much a concerted effort not to think so much as ...well, you work with what you've got don't you and lets just say I wasn't even in the line when brains were being handed out....I was stood with an ice cream across the street looking at the line wondering what everyone was queueing up for!

Mind you, to be fair, a lot of people I know with perfectly good fully working brains, according to them anyway, seem to still be devoid of sense, common or otherwise so meh, I try not to get hung up on this brain/thinky stuff, it never served me well and my instincts are far more use to me anyway. My brain and I have an understanding - it leaves me alone, and I don't poke it with a pencil. It doesn't have to do anything except slump in the corner, dribble on itself and blow raspberries and I leave it alone. It works for us both. 

So my instincts are the well tuned, beefy, buff, well toned muscles that I rely on and the ones that get the regular exercise. 

This is odd. Actually, its beyond odd, its really freaky and feels horrifically and alarmingly self-indulgent writing away like this. Then again, I don't really care if no one ever reads this, I intend to look at this as my own personal corner to expel some drivel, vent my metaphorical spleen and use it as a cathartic rubber room type space just for me.
Oh look, a crayon! :)

I don't mind confessing that I have actually been tippy tapping away on the keyboard a lot recently. I have these creative moods you see, well, moods where I like to faff about whether it be with clay - I do love making a mess and sometimes even seeing what I can create - my last being a ride on lawnmower for someone special and if the mood takes me I can turn my hand to large overly-elaborate fridge magnets - I mean seriously over the top!
If not faffing about with clay and making a mess, I sometimes feel inclined to get stuff down on paper/laptop and muse over it (I know, I need a chaise longue and some long lingering soul-deep looks here right?), nah sorry to disappoint, I don't do that deep. I mean stuff like this, just me, waffling  on about life, the universe, love, all the other weird shit out there and sometimes even stuff that makes me giggle. Usually very puerile stuff, childish would be the best way to describe my sense of humour, well that or just downright smutty but hey its all good, I make myself laugh a lot so that's what counts right? If you can amuse yourself you're never bored or really alone eh? Hmm, well that's what I used to tell myself as a kid haha.

God I hated being a kid. Vile times. Lonely, confusing, hard, stressful and just shite really. So glad that's long gone and jesus, the thought of bringing any offspring of my own into this god-forsaken world just makes my blood run cold! I was never meant to be a breeder, and with my genes its probably for the best in all honesty!

And not saying that being an adult has been a walk in the park so far (or a "cake walk" a phrase someone rather lovely introduced me to the other day), far from it but hey, better than being a kid and sooooo much better than being a teenager right! 

So what's the deal with me? Ha, wish I knew lol, but suffice to say I have a...well, unconventional life, a LOT of love around me rather wonderfully and a somewhat interesting life. To say things are never dull would pretty much be on the money, but good or bad, its my life and I pretty much do my best to enjoy life, love, laughter and other things that start with L as much as possible. 

For what its worth just as I'm no great thinker, nor am I a great planner of things, I take a much more zen approach to life believing that by and large, things and details will take care of themselves. I prefer the big picture, the grand scheme of things, the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants approach. 

Life is weird and unpredictable, often hitting you where you least expect it, in ways you can't even begin to comprehend, so why bother? Why try to work it out, just roll with it and hang on I reckon! 

If someone had told me 12 months ago I'd be in the position I'm in....I'd probably have ruptured something from laughing or backed away from them slowly being careful to avoid making any sudden movements, but there you go. Life...grabs you by the short and curlies and jiggles you about and weird things fall out, fall off, clag themselves to you, latch onto you, burrow down into your heart and soul (I don't mean like ringworm or anything scary here - that was meant to be a nice analogy...OK on reflection maybe "burrow down" and nice don't really go together), and you just have to ride it out. Take the bad and learn from it, please do or its been a helluva waste otherwise and the good, just enjoy it! Oh and in between the good and bad will be the things that seem bad but are good and things that seem good but are bad - I'm leaving that one alone thanks! 

One other thing about me...I don't abbreviate. I don't shorten my thoughts - you noticed? And yep, I'm exactly the same when I talk too...you have to really respect and admire the people around me really don't you? God bless them and all who sail in them. 

And while I'm banging on about stuff that I bang on about, its worth mentioning my major interest in mens rights and working hard to help men. Why men? Well why not men? A lot of the stuff I write here may come across as anti-women and that's because, well, I often am and feel that the whole feminism shebang (or am I meant to say Personbang now??) has gone a bit nuts now and men are indeed the ones suffering now. 

Male suicide is now the biggest killer of men aged 18-35 and that's just not on. Something needs to be done, things need to change and change now.
(More about my Shed project later). 

So yes, you'll find me bleating on around here about things I care about, people, places, stuff, thoughts, things I hate and more. Should you really have nothing better to do than listen to me harp on, then  I'm flattered and honoured to have your company, so do pull up a chair, no not that one, that's mine, and not that one, that's where the cat sleeps...yep that one's fine and we can get better acquainted. :)

If you feel like messaging me and adding your own comments, (be nice though, we have a strict no arseholes policy round these parts) then do say hello and I look forward to hearing from you. :)

Life, my workings and why I want to help men

I learned the truth – at 17

After years of watching the suffering of boys, teenagers and grown men as they were thrown helplessly into a vast ocean filled with razor-teethed women who seem to speak a completely different language to them, I decided that having a fairly straightforward approach to life myself and being a very open communicator, it was time to at least try throwing them a lifeline.

Secondly, a lifetime of watching women play horrific mind games, declare psychological warfare on their male counterparts and generally not having a clue about how to speak to men or what men actually do want and need from us, prompted me to say No, dammit, I'm going to try and step in and bridge the gap here.

Someone needs to have a bash at this from a different angle and one that cuts through the crap, the mind games and the general fuzziness that is communication between men and women.

While its very true, we are very VERY different species, there still exists this cavernous gap when it comes to communication between two species, who by and large are actually pretty damn good together in the right circumstances!

At this point you're probably wondering what the hell makes me an expert and what my credentials are.

Well, firstly, I don't have any degree, no professional membership, no kind of academic recognition for what I do whatsoever.

What I do have however is a lifetime of experience, of hearing peoples stories, their life changing and not so life changing experiences, their relationship stories, relationship problems and have been long since considered a good egg to seek out if you have a problem, as was my mother before me and many other women down my family line.

My Mum equipped me with the most vital education I could ever have received and instilled common sense, decency and the ability to listen without prejudice or judgement and THE most important life lesson – to learn how to listen to and rely upon my instincts.

What I didn't realise as I was growing up was that by training and using my instincts to guide me, they not only always helped me make the right decision (unless I ignored them which even I did on occasion much to my detriment) but they also enabled me very easily to always somehow find the right words to comfort someone, reassure someone, sympathise or empathise with someone and more importantly just listen to someone and be there for them with a kind word.

I learned that all problems are relative.

The phrase “yeah but what I've got going on is nothing compared to...” should quite frankly be banished to a nowhere world and never seen or heard again as it really does infuriate me.

A the end of the day, what you have going on, your problems, your worries and your fears are as real as anyone else's and no-one has the right, any time anywhere to minimise your problems or make you feel they are significantly less important than someone else's. Your problems are your problems, just like my problems are my problems and I have to deal with the challenges and tough times my problems throw at me as do you with yours. They are ALL important.

So this was my background and those are my credentials. I use common sense and my finely-tuned instincts to guide me and advise others. I use sympathy and empathy to put myself in your shoes if you come to me with a problem and will guarantee I'll always do my level best to help you.

I sincerely hope you find the information here useful and I welcome feedback, as this really does come from my heart and soul and while I don't believe in using big words that have some incredibly impressive meaning and while the latest trendiest buzzwords of the day completely escape me, what you get from me always is my absolute honest opinion and while not always sugar coated or easy to put across, it IS genuine, straightforward, no nonsense stuff that will hopefully help you lay down some new ways to enjoy your own life, the lives of those around you and fingers crossed will even help you learn new and much less complicated ways of dealing with the opposite sex! ;)