A friend in need??

Now I want to talk about a subject I personally feel very passionately about and this is where I really know my subject well.

Again, from an early age we're taught that friends and family are vital, the very lifeblood that gets us through the tough times and helps us face life's most trying times, after all, as long as you have family and friends, well, nothing else you need is there?

Bullshit!!

Sorry to be so blunt but really, come on, let's face the truth here shall we? We're all grown ups and time to stop beating around this bush.

My experience of friends has not been a pleasant one overall. I remember with fondness, a lovely girl called Mandy at my infants and junior school who I was inseparable from...that was until we left the area and I was dragged away, never to see her again.

I cried, a lot. Didn't do any good but boy did I cry.

Moving a kid to a new junior school in the penultimate year is not advisable to any parents reading this! Just don't do it!

I was forced into a new school where I knew no-one, and thrust into already pre-assembled cliques of girls who quite frankly I would rather even now walk over broken glass barefoot than be in the same room with. Yes, that might sound petty as no doubt they have all changed a lot now, some for the worse apparently, but regardless of what anyone says you don't forget the bitches who bullied you and made you feel left out, isolated, a freak and that you didn't belong with them or anyone else – EVER!!

The hell didn't end when we left either...as they all moved over effortlessly into the comprehensive school together, with me lagging behind as usual.

Now I had an unusual home life to say the least. My mother god rest her soul, was ill virtually my whole life and suffered terribly, and my father and sister quite frankly, don't deserve any mention in this book or anywhere else as they spent best part of 30 years verbally, physically and mentally abusing me, but we will go into that in another chapter.

Suffice to say, that I was never the most confident child. I was very drawn, most of the time, traumatised by what was going on at home and unable to make head nor tail of it all to be honest.

I am only guessing here, but I can only assume that what these bitches saw at school was someone who thought she was too good to talk to them, or in some twisted way that I was stuck up! Stupid, ignorant bitches! Not one of them ever took the time to ask me, god no! Instead, much easier to judge me, take one look at me and label me there and then.

Five long and painful years this continued.

They broke my heart, broke my belongings and damn near broke my spirit, but thankfully I was and will always be a much stronger person and a much better soul than any of those bitches were.

The five years came to end, not a second too soon for me and I was finally free. My mother bless her, as always supported me no matter what, and backed my choice to go to college. My father, as always, wanted me to remain in a position of weakness, to stay down at heel and stay on at the very school that destroyed what precious little confidence and sunny disposition I had.

My father was and will always be an arsehole.

So off I went to college, venturing out into the big wide world with my mum backing me all the way and off to do my very very useful....Business course. Hmm, yeah well anyway, good experience! And I also met the man who would inspire me to go on to be my own boss and encouraged me to think for myself, so that was actually a fortuitous avenue for me as it turned out. Incidentally, the lecturer who inspired me so and basically made the whole 2 years worthwhile is now also one of my closest friends!

So, college was great pretty much. No sign of anyone from school and tons of new peeps!

And before the first day was over, I'd met a new little friend! :) All good, and despite me having been previously very untrusting of women, I decided that a new chapter should also mean renewed faith in my fellow woman!

So A and I grew closer, became inseparable a proper little duo before long. We discovered pubs and clubs together, cried over boys together, spent all night wondering why they hadn't called together and even covered for each other now and then! ;)

All good you'd think right? Wrong! Before the college course had ended, I noticed cracks were appearing which worried me slightly.

A surge in little snide comments like “don't know why you're bothering, once they see me the lads won't even look at you!” and an increasing obvious resentment of my getting on with lads was proving the fly in our ointment.

Her standing in the corner sneering at me and all but hissing at me with teeth showing while I mucked around with the guys and generally made an arse of myself with them was a definite and big hint that all was not well in friendship land.

I however thanks to my new found freedom and enthusiasm for meeting new people including boys, was having a great time! The guys loved the fact that I wasn't afraid to chat to them, have a laugh with them and even swear with them! The girls I hung around with however, didn't love it.

Oh boy, here it comes again...that growing feeling that I'm being talked about, bitched about and generally being cast out of the “group” was once again upon me.

But, while all this griping and obvious backstabbing was going on, of course they were as nice as ninepence to my face – grrrr. Why couldn't they just come out and say it, I would much rather have had that, we could have talked it out and got the hell on with things, like I did with the lads, but no. It was all whispers, clamming up when I walked into the loos and quite frankly I could not be arsed with it at all. So I started using the guys loos, and hanging out with the guys when in the pubs and clubs. Much more fun, I scored loads hehe and quite honestly, such a refreshing change to just be out and enjoying myself, dancing having a laugh, the odd drinking contest with the lads, which I invariably always lost of course and rightly so, but hell, it was such a good time.

While my so-called friends hung around in dark corners, vampires of fun, sucking all that was good and fun out of a night out, draining it of the last drops of enjoyment and throwing me looks that would kill.

And yeah, sometimes it got to me that I didn't feel secure or like I belonged anywhere, but hell, I had never belonged anywhere anyway, so why should now bother me? So I just got on with it instead, had a laugh, danced my ass off, made some good friends in the lads and certainly always had them there to watch my back which is no bad thing in clubs.

So as they years went by, I talked to the lads about boyfriends and also talked to the girls about boyfriends. And there was a huge difference.

The guys bless em, they wanted to know the mechanics, what do you do, what does that mean, what did she mean by that, does this lass like me or what? But mostly, it came down to a few basic and oh-so-recurring themes.

1. what the fuck does she mean and why can't she just say what she means??
2. so er...do you do (insert random sex act) with your boyfriend?
3. If she likes me, why's she ignoring me??

Bless their hearts, I did always feel soo sorry for them! Stupid thing was, I could offer them advice that only went so far at the time, as I was also trying to work out why these girls were behaving so ridiculously. Didn't have the heart to say, look guys I don't have a god-damn clue what's going on so you don't stand a chance!

The girls on the other hand, were sitting there unbearably erratically and dangerously veering between, why hasn't he called me, to if we have children together I'm gonna call them Spit and Spot! Sheesh!! I was terrified, god knows what the lads felt!

Have to interrupt your reading before we move on with a by-the-way here. In case you're wondering how things turned out with me and my little friend from college...she ended up sleeping with my “boyfriend” resulting in me slapping her in the pub where I discovered them kissing on Christmas Eve, and pouring a pint of blackcurrant all over him and his crisp new shirt and white jeans!

As it turns out, he was a complete wanker anyway and me getting away from him meant I got with the lovely boyfriend I had after that, so thanks girl you did me a huge favour!

So as we all stumbled on through college and university, the bitchiness increasing and become even more sly and indirect, I was becoming increasingly aware that you know what, my male friends are way more fun and straight with me than any of these so-called friends and I much preferred the company of the guys.

So, the signs weren't good for me and female friends really were they?

The thing with A and I limped on til the end of uni and unfortunately fate stepped in at this point as my leaving uni also coincided with my mum dying.

And what of my “friends”?? Nowhere to be seen! I was hanging around with a girl casually and still had my close male friend from college, but despite all their words of comfort and promises to be there for me, when it came down to it, the real white knuckle bit, the moment when I found myself at a mere 20 years old, standing in a chapel 2 foot away from my mother's coffin and thinking, she can't possibly be in there....the 2 now painfully glaringly obvious empty seats next to me in the front pew, where my friends should have been, became an icon that would be forever etched in my memory.....friends, when it really comes down to it and you're standing in the line of fire with a ciggy in your mouth and the blindfold on, would be nowhere to be found.

That was the turning point for me. The image of that empty pew next to me, and the pathetic cries afterwards of “we just couldn't go through with it, you understand don't you?”

Well, honestly? No, I don't. I needed you, just to be present, nothing more, maybe just hold my hand, put an arm around me so that in that very moment in time I didn't feel completely and utterly abandoned in the universe....as the song says, and the film for that matter...Lost in Space...that's how I felt. Free-falling and no-one there to reach out and grab me back in.

And all it would have taken was your hand to hold, or your arm around my shoulder...but you “couldn't handle it”???

Well then, guess that told me everything I needed to know about friends – I would have done that for them and some, no matter how uncomfortable it made me, or how tough it was, because that's what I thought friends did.

What they failed to grasp was that at a time like that, it wasn't about them and their discomfort, it was about being there for a friend.

They both failed.

Funnily enough, that was also the time that I made a solemn vow to myself that if I happened across anyone on my travels that was alone and in need of a hand to hold or an arm round the shoulder, I would try and be that for them at least.

And granted, it hasn't always worked out so poetically and all have not lived happily ever after sadly, but you know what, I still try my very best where I can.

And that's all I ever wanted from a friend. Too much??

Needless to say, once the dust settled and life has resumed some kind of normality for everyone not involved with the death of my mum, my fair-weather friends disappeared, their job clearly done and dusted in their minds. Thanks guys, it's been....well, and gone. Let's just leave it at that eh?

And believe me, there were many many friends like that along the way, and still are. Stupid thing is, I was always told by my lovely father (and yup, that IS sarcasm there!), that the problem was with me...with well everything! But especially my inability to hang onto friends. Hmmm, interesting. Here was a man who treated me like shit from the second I was born because he had wanted a son instead of me and also because I bore a striking resemblance to my mum and her family – the only people who could kick his sorry ass into shape every time with little or no effort and the people who were never fooled by his bullshit or his unbelievable talent for blowing money.

It's taken me til now to work that one out...he was scared. Nervous and very scared. But when you're a small child and the man you're told is your father who loves you, physically pushes you away with a look of disgust and causes you to actually fall over, you start to wonder.

Anyway, I have wandered into the undergrowth there, back on track. So yes, I thought the problem was me, and he was always telling me I was intolerant of people and their “quirks” - QUIRKS??? What the fuck??? So hang on, a “quirk” is when you treat someone like crap?? OK, really confused now.

But I believed it because he told me it sooo many times and I mean over 30 years. And of course, my darling sister being a carbon copy of him also regurgitated the same shit parrot fashion, bless her ignorant and unbearably thick soul, she was and is a complete moron, but again persuasive when you're having it drummed into you.

So I thoroughly believed that I was just a waste of space and incredibly intolerant of people and would never find a friend as they just wouldn't put up with me.

Funny though as now, I see it completely differently. Yes, I AM intolerant of people treating me like crap and you know what? That's a GOOD THING!!

Basic stuff, I know, but took me 30 years to suss out that little nugget!

So, yes I do still have “friends” hanging around me now and bar the one person who I previously mentioned – my lecturer from college, the man who inspired me and encouraged me not to follow the same path as everyone else and to go after what I wanted, who is and shall remain forever a very very dear and treasured friend, and of course my partners (not a typo), I don't consider myself knee deep in friends. But then again, having those guys in my life, (and notice the pattern anyone..all males! Ha!) I feel I have all the friends I really need.

I also have some people loitering around right now...which to be honest is becoming more like a social experiment everyday.

Interesting to see what happens, but as once again I am finding out, they are not who they first appeared to be sadly. The cracks are showing and the bitchy comments creeping in again. So, here we go again.

So once again with a heavy heart, I make the mental preparations to wave farewell to yet more pretendy friendships. I can't say it bothers me now though, does that sound callous? Not intended to, I have just been down this shitty road soo many times now I am well rehearsed at this.

My conclusion?

If you're very very lucky, you'll meet someone like my college lecturer, who will have such a profound impact on your life that you just have to have them as a friend.

So good luck, it is indeed a jungle out there! Be careful who you give your time and attention to, they won't always return the favour, but don't close yourself off to any chances either. You really never can tell what impact a stranger is going to have on your life, believe me.